What Is Depression?

(I want to prefix with I am not a medical doctor and if you feel severely depressed please see your physician. In no way am I saying you are depressed, these are my personal thoughts and stories)

Someone asked me how I would personally describe the NICU. I instantly chose "depressing".

Why did I choose that word? Not only are you asking why, I am asking myself. I never felt depressed. I never acted depressed. In actuality, I was pretty positive while in there. So why was I so quick to jump to "depressing"? I am not a roses and rainbows type of gal, I am a realist. I will be honest, when the doctor came to me and talked to me about postpartum depression... I rolled my eyes. I didn't need this conversation. I was FINE. Was I though? Doubtful considering my first word that came to mind was "depressing" and yet I had never felt that way before.

Looking back on our adventure inside, I never really had a feeling. I had instincts... DAMN good ones if you ask me. I had balls and guts that I never thought I had. I was a fighter! I spent nearly everyday in that NICU department. Two hospitals, multiple rooms and bays are what we called home for 3 months. I was numb. I could tell you Gray's medical history as if I was reading directly from the chart. I knew all the specialist by name and had their schedule pretty much nailed. I knew next steps and when I didn't I demanded them. While most new moms are cheering on their babes for the next milestone, I was praying mine would be here another day.

I still don't think depressing is the word. Scary, sure. Overwhelming, HELL YES... but depressing? I think its interesting as I sit here and write this I find myself still justifying why I WOULDN'T be depressed. Am I trying to talk myself out of it? Maybe.

What does depression even mean?

de·pres·siondəˈpreSH(ə)n/noun

1. 1.feelings of severe despondency and dejection."self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression"

2. 2.a long and severe recession in an economy or market."the depression in the housing market"synonyms:recession, slump, decline, downturn, standstill; More

Maybe the NICU made me depressed. Made me see things in a different light. I mean, we did lose our first born child there. I think its something to NOT be afraid of.... so why am I? If I were to write about all of the things I were afraid of, we would be here for hours. Trust me, I am a baby. What I am realizing is that depression isn't just one action or one feeling. Its multiple. Looking at the definition, some days I fall to suit. I don't want to get out of bed. I am extremely tired. I am terrified of having another child. ALL of those things come to my mind weekly. But then there are other days when I am 'normal'. What is that normal? My normal is definitely not what YOUR normal is.

Let's be real, I don't even know my own normal. Recently my husband and I had to define a NEW normal. One that didn't include Gray physically but more mentally and emotionally. One that didn't include baby cries and little goals we had set for him.

Guys -- I feel like I am getting somewhere. Depressing is the word.

I think its NORMAL that I feel depressed after losing my son. I think its NORMAL to have bad days and have good days. Most of all, I think depression has lead me to a healthier more realistic version of myself.

What I am getting at is its okay to have depression... not just after a baby or a traumatic experience... but in general. You are who YOU are. No person is the same. No story or experience can be matched but only related to. What I realized during this time was I wasn't going to let it get me down. I was going to TAKE CHARGE and not only change my life but help change those around me. Gray taught me to be the best version of myself. He taught me to be strong and independent. To love without gain and to radiate positivism. With that I can conquer anything.

Love Always,

Jessica

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